Looking back, looking forward

My dad x
In this last week my anxiety reared its ugly head in true T-Rex dinosaur style forcing me to throw my hands up and give in.  Not a fan of ‘cure by tablets’ I managed to convince my doctor to let me try and kick it through exercise and working out what’s triggered it. 

So that’s was this is – a look back.

A lot has happened, and all at once.  Difficult to know where to start.  There’s the niggle in my back and the thing with my pelvis which I’m told could cause me problems later on. I’m worried about our daughter going up to secondary school.  She has problems with reading and directions and I panic she gets lost.  Our smallest dog woke up in the middle of night shaking in pain and after a trip to the emergency vet we were told if the injection didn’t work there wasn’t anything they could do.  How do I explain that to the kids? 

Then, most importantly, there’s my dad.  We were told he needed a double heart pass and as we waited he seemed to be getting worse and worse.  I looked on it logically – a serious operation he had to have or he wouldn’t be here much longer but one that was carried out on a regular basis.  So yes very worrying but marginally small risk.  How I handle it in my head.  

It’s the knock on effect of this that has let the dinosaur loose.  My lovely mother (she’s not just my mum she is my lovely mother), is the only support we have with the children.  My dad has them for an hour or 2 if I’m desperate for a run – obviously not recently or in the near future – and my brother would be able to have them in an emergency but he works long hours and has a social life that beats the kardashians.  Point being he’s there if need be.  But that’s it, that’s all we have.  My mum has our youngest so I can work and she won’t be able to have him with my dad being in hospital and then for a period after.  She’ll be looking after my dad and doesn’t need a toddler round her ankles.  My work is very accommodating – god damn stressful and getting to me right now but can not fault my boss’s approach to things like this.  We came up with a schedule that would work for both.  This makes me feel even worse about being signed off right now.  So if it’s been organised with work why did it come back?  Well, figuring out when I could work and juggling everything over the month reminded me of what we don’t have.  It’s difficult to write without going in to detail but it gets to me.  It was the same when our youngest broke his leg, it was my mum only who was there.  So things haven’t, and aren’t going to change.  

My lovely mum x

We have an event coming up very soon also and it’s a cold, harsh reminder of the situation.  My husband is doing Tough Mudder with his brother – they are racing – and I begged and begged my brother to do it with me (much to my parents delight).  There’s now a high chance my mum won’t be able to look after the kids therefore one of us can’t do it.  It’s an expensive event so that’s a lot of money wasted and bearing in mind emergency vets fees aren’t cheap it’s a slap in the face.  My husband has been talking about beating his brother in this race for a while.  If I don’t go my brother has no one else to do it with.  It’s hitting me hard right now because I use exercise and pushing myself like this to keep my anxiety at bay.  Irony in its finest form. 

I could go on but in a nutshell that’s it.  If I keep thinking about it all my chest is never going to loosen up and the doctor will insist on putting me back on tablets.  My dad had the operation yesterday and this morning we have been told everything looks ok and so far no complications.  They kept him sedated all night and are bringing him round now.  I will get to see him tonight.

I have devised a stretching and yoga plan which I am sticking to.  My husband and I now have a training board up so we can each fit in what we need to do.  I’ve met with my running coach and I’m taking the first steps towards my next marathon with his help.  The dog is ‘OK’.  It’s a case of wait and see.  She’s had to have another lot of pain killers. 

This post will very quickly be followed up with another – and it WILL be positive.  As I’ve said before it wouldn’t be a genuine blog if I wasn’t honest about the downs.  I’m determined to overcome this with exercise and not drugs.  I know it works, it has worked.  Everyone has set backs, but I’m going to use it as something to learn from. 

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